Sex, Romance and Intimacy After 55…But Who Cares?

Eric Shapira, DDS, MA
Clinical Gerontologist-Aging Specialist
Aging Mentor Services, Inc.

The Golden Years for some of us are truly “Golden.” For others the years may be a bit tarnished and gray. However, whatever they hold in store for you, it is possible to make them brilliant and happy years with love in your hearts and happiness on your lips.

I recently asked an elderly woman I met, aged 77, about her sex life. Her comment to me was, “So what about it!” “I did not mean to pry,” I told her but I was doing an informal survey about sex and relationships after the age of 50. Her response at this juncture was, “just because there is snow on the mountain, doesn’t mean that there isn’t a fire burning in the furnace!”

OK, so she had white hair and many lines of experience on her face. The basic beauty was gone from the supple white skin of her face and had slipped lower down into the confines of her heart…yes; she was a lovely, fragile, thinly built woman, full of life and as big as life.

She had met a man about 4 months back and was discussing getting married after being a widow for 14 years. I asked if that was enough time to get to know someone to get married to them. Her response was swift and cutting, saying “we don’t have the time to wait around. We love each other and want to be together now, until the end.” Obviously they had consummated their relationship already, that part worked. She felt that he was the most interesting guy she had met in a long time. He was English and pretty straight-forward. She was an Oregonian and proud of it. But their differences only brought them closer, both with loving curiosity and introspection. Yes, they were in love and now had to deal with the mundane issues of personal property; who gets what when I die and where are we going to live since we both have our own homes? But all of this was secondary to the feelings they both had for each other. For 14 years this fine young-spirited woman held back on remarrying someone until the right guy came along. She had her children and her grandchildren to raise and keep her company but for the final years she realized that she needed someone to share her time and interests with her along the way, her children were simply not enough. She wanted to really be loved and she longed for intimacy again.

You may ask, “What is intimacy?” I define it as the word sounds:” in…to…me…see.” Plain and simple, it is allowing someone the privilege to see you exactly as you are and perceive yourself to be: A deep sharing of our inner thoughts, information and feelings, coupled with the love in your heart and the physical love you may share with another at times. What else can anyone ask for?

The other day I was having lunch in a local café and I had two mature individuals, a man and woman, sit next to me. They were about in their late eighties. We started talking and I asked them how long they had been married. “60 years,” quoted the man. I asked what they attributed their long marriage together and the wife said, “Tolerance!” She followed that comment with, “he won’t let me get more than four words in edgewise most of the time!” I asked about their sex life and the older English gentleman stated, “We have sex twice a week!” in his emphatic voice. I was somewhat taken aback with his comment. He continued to tell me that he was taking Viagra at one point and then his doctor switched him to Sialis. This drug works for over a two to three day span! He had a smile on his face and only admiration for his wife. Then he threw me a curve by stating that his wife had had a few small mini-strokes in the past and has sustained short-term memory loss. He added that he thought this has helped his sex life more than anything. Can you image not remembering when you had sex last and then being asked if you would like to participate with a fresh start each day?! This guy does that!! Most of us remember what sex is, but we can’t remember what it feels like! Seriously though, to have an active sex life at their age is a marvelous thing. They have so much love in their hearts for one another it sets a good role model for others.

They still go out on dates and continue to romance each other. They do regular activities together as well, like volunteer work and find great satisfaction in helping others and the environment. Romance is setting an atmosphere for idealized love. It is the nurturing of one another’s desire to attract and be attractive to another person. It is followed by intimacy which may or may not include sex. With the onset of the anti-erectile dysfunction drugs such as Viagra, Levitra and Sialis, there has been an increase in sexual activity among those of the more mature age set. There has also been about a 36% increase in STD (Sexually Transmitted Diseases) in elderly people due to the use of this medication as well. If you are starting to date again and are planning on sex, it is no different than when you were younger. Condoms and other methods of preventing the spread of disease are in order. There is a very high increase in HIV infected seniors due to increased sexual activity in older life. This is something that should create some fear and respect in those that wish to experiment with sex at an older age and with different partners. Sex is one thing, but without the intimacy and romance, it remains a physical act with only immediate gratification.

The older people I have met and interviewed are those that wish to have a long-lasting, intimate relationship with someone. Someone they can love and respect and spend their remaining days with. I am reminded of the story of an older gentleman who went into a bar and sat down beside an older woman. He bought her a few drinks and they both got a little tipsy. He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind spending the night in his hotel room. She replied, “I don’t mind but will you respect me in the morning?” He replied, “Respect you…heck, I don’t even know if I’ll remember you!” It’s good that we can laugh at ourselves…It’s one way to bring joy and love into our lives. It is also good that there is better living through chemistry which allows us to sustain an active sex life well into our golden years. I think that this may be the one reason people are living longer and enjoying it more.